Match dot com or money all gone?

originally written on 8/14/06

About a year ago a friend recommended I try this singles website. Being that I was fresh out of a three year roller coaster of a fucked up relationship, I said what the hell.

A mere 30 bucks to get my feet wet again and quickly patch a battered ego? Not a bad deal. Besides I am saving myself for Rachel McAdams anyway, and until she drops the restraining order and realizes I am the only one for her, I have some time to kill. So I filled out the stupid little profile attempting to be somewhat interesting but yet exiting (career: violinist for cannibal corpse), posted a few pics, punched in my credit card number and away I went. My headline was originally “who wants a good donkey punch?” But friends tipped me off that I was coming on a little strong. So I toned it down a little bit. After eating a large quantity of mushrooms one night I came up with the much more subtle “bi- women welcome, as long as I can participate.” I know, what can I say I’m one of the last true romantics left today. As you can imagine, the responses starting piling up immediately, and why wouldn’t they? I’m freakin’ amazing. After a week of talking to a few great candidates (women desperate for the sex and verbal abuse), I finally lined up my first encounter.

Wow, let me tell you. In the year long experiment I have conducted on this thing, I have met some real grade A fucking loons. Everyone is a little crazy so this harsh accusation really puts in perspective the level of maniac we are dealing with here. They were Very VERY crazy indeed. I must admit sometimes I enjoyed it, but at the same time it does take a lot of energy to consistently beat a girl senseless with a raw steak while chasing her in an Easter bunny suit. Especially when you’re both on large quantities on MDMA and she’s naked doing figure eights on a tricycle. I mean it gets crazy hot in that god damn suit. Thank god I only wore the top half of it with my snake skinned cowboy boots really pulling it all together….Yea I know, thinking back I guess they really did have good reason to ban us from Eisenhower park. But hey at least the kids on the school trip seemed to enjoy it so I have no regrets. Anyway it took me a while to finally realize why these nut jobs are on this site in the first place. Because no one in real life could deal with their shit so they took their insanity to this little nutty slice of cyber space. Kind of like me. I’m not even talking sexually for the most part I had no problem with that. I mean their crazy and annoying ridiculous attitudes. I mean why is it such a big deal to bring me dinner every night in a Nazi uniform with roller-blades on? I don’t ask for much for Christ sake, what a bunch of cry babies. These women were really hard to deal with. Although I must admit there are a select few on there that are actually fun to hang out with and surprisingly good looking. Unfortunately there are only about 5 of them in there from New York. It’s kind of like hitting the lottery for one of those chicks to stumble upon your profile and actually write back. Although it has happened to me because I’m so god damn good looking (and I tell them I’m a CIA agent), but it’s rare. The problem with these hot buckets of love is they consistently have 19 guys lined up for them always, and you need to be a fucking magician to work your way in there. Waaaaay too much work for me. So unless you want to pull your hair out searching for a supermodel, you must settle for somewhat of a less caliber. Sure I know any woman reading this could turn around and say “You are complaining about the selection of women on here?!? Well guess what buddy take a look at yourself, all guys look for on here is to get laid!” You may very well be right and point taken, but at the same time it’s like comparing apples and oranges. You see most woman can get just about anyone or anything she wants because she has this very powerful thing betwixt her legs. I’ll bet you’ve heard of it or felt the power of it, because for god’s sake this is no new phenomenon. If you have this power, unless you let yourself become a complete slob and the stock of your meat locker drops faster than Enron, you shouldn’t have any trouble meeting a guy just about anywhere and at the time of your choosing. If you offered sex, not many straight guys out there would even think twice before settling the tab and getting your ass home with the quickness of Jose Reyes in a suicide squeeze. What the fuck does any normal chick need match.com for? Any decent chick walks out of her house and has 50 guys pummeling each other in a royal rumble with grenade launchers for their shot at the gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s like Halo 3 for these bitches for Christ sake. You see girls attacking for dudes like that? Except for an elite few guys that are just 6 foot plus vagina magnets, (women can start to play dirty over this species), let’s face it the rest of us are in a violent world war 3 of sausage fests trying to fight over the left over table scraps. Especially on Long Island where anywhere you go there are 8 obnoxious and desperately sex crazed guys to every chick. Even mediocre chicks are put on such a high pedestal around here it fucking amazes me. Some are so bitchy I think that they really believe that gold bricks fall out of there pussies every morning or something. And what makes it worse is when you finally get close to scoring with one these broads, 9 times out of 10 you know the fat ugly friend is going to step in and ruin it. Let’s face it guys unless you have money, or you are insanely good looking, in this day in age you are pretty much proper fucked. Because while you’re in your buddies shitty apartment with a bunch of dudes having that Madden 2006 tournament on Friday night, some investment banker is high as a kite driving 90 miles an hour while getting road head from a Victoria secret model in his Mercedes SL500. Yea I know, it sucks but that’s life.

I have probably met upwards of about 20 women since I began this bizarre and interesting internet journey. To my surprise a few were really cool, but of course I always figured out ways to fuck a good thing up. It never failed. But for good reason (I told you about my girl Rachel)! All in all be prepared to do a little damage to your wallet, which is no different when you’re meeting chicks anywhere else, but still you need to be smart about it. For instance around the 10^th girl I met I promised myself I wouldn’t do dinner on the first date anymore because it was really taking a toll on my funds. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that this wasn’t necessary but it did. I mean take her out to eat on the first date?!…For what?!? So you could never see her again? What a moron. Most of them are so wasted by the time dinner is served, they have absolutely no idea what the fuck was being shoveling in their mouths anyway. More than once it was my penis covered in barbeque sauce topped off with an alfalfa sprout garnish (didn’t always get the response I had hoped for).

So my good friends, after hundreds of dollars, a restraining order, and 4 illegitimate children my tour of duty with dating sites is finally over. Thank god I made it out alive. On a serious note for once in my life, sure I would love to find a nice broad to spend some time with but the internet definitely isn’t the place to do it. And if learned anything after this experience it’s that women for the most part don’t like it when you pull your tool out in a 5 star restaurant and to her surprise have it dressed up in a little tuxedo with a top hat like the alien in Spaceballs. I thought it was a nice touch for the first date but go figure, shows how much I know. Hey good luck to all the single guys out there, I most definitely feel your pain. It’s a tough business to be in, I now know that first hand. Speaking of hands, that’s another friend you will learn to love while you are on your quest. Just be careful, don’t make the same mistakes I did (it’s not meant to fit in a shampoo bottle). More importantly, if they want dinner on the first date, take their fat asses through the McDonald’s drive through. If they don’t like it, kick them out of your moving car and watch them tumble through traffic. Save that money for good use like gambling, good drugs, and strippers. That is all for now my young soldiers. Onward to victory.