Long Island. My birthplace. My home for all 28 years on this wonderful little blue marble floating through space. It was such a pleasant place to be at one point. What the fuck happend? When did it become such an annoying place to live? Was it always like this? Maybe. Or am I just getting older and more annoyed with everything in general? This is a possibility. I will tell you one thing that I am sure of, the traffic is absolutely positively...putrid. Seriously, and it gets worse and worse every year. It is so bad I actually sit at my desk at work and contemplate whether or not I should work some overtime. I will tell you this, it sure beats sitting behind some twat yacht on her cell phone going 3 miles hour riding her brakes while she yells at her dumb kids on the way to soccer practice. Oh yea and if you are lucky enough to avoid rear ending that bitch on her cell phone in front of you...Then look to your right and there is a middle aged guy sitting in a mercedes sl500 talking on his blue tooth cell phone to the 3 supermodels that are probably waiting for him in a hot tub filled with vanilla pudding. The guy could give two shits. Watch out because when the traffic lets up, he will be the one to change lanes with no blinker or even looking. And no, traffic does not matter when you are rich, in fact not much does exept your health. That is why you see a big fat smile on his face, he is sitting motherfuckin pretty. Then you look to your left and you guessed it, some light skinned bundle of joy dressed like he's 50 cent, blasting Ja rule at 9000 decibals in his '99 honda civic with a sound system that sounds like it needs a bottle of metamucil. All you have to do is look at his face and you can feel how amazing he thinks he is. And by golly he has a right to! I mean he upgraded his exaust (he now has a wopping 146 horsepower) and bought a 12" speakerbox from circuit city (they had a good sale). Come on y'all you know he don't play games! He a playa yo! He gangsta!!! I know I know, how painfull this all is. Now let me calm your nerves.. oh wait. Shit. Look in your rear view, a cop is behind you. God damnit! Ok slowly do the reachover and put that seatbelt on. Did he see you? You can't tell if he is going to pull you over or if he is just fucking with you. It is at this point you suddenly remember you left that roach clip in your ashtrash from last night. Woopsie. Yes I know, you never catch a break. You know there is nothing like a nice relaxing ride home on the LIE. Well maybe waterboarding may give a similar human emotion response. What a wonderful expressway it is. Then you have the Northern state. I wouldn't even go there a tsunami was heading for the island and that was the only escape. I'd rather drown and then have battery acid poured on my eyes.
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