The Giants are Finished

As a Giants fan the prospect of the G-Men playing a game on Thanksgiving is a dream come true. After sucking down piles of great food and drink, and chatting up the good times with your family, you can sit back and end the day with you favorite team on the tube. Everyone thought it would be a good game, competitive, hard hitting, and exiting to say the least. After witnessing this poor excuse for a pigskin showdown, there is only one word to describe theses men in blue we call are own. UNWATCHABLE. Barring a few terrific passes from Eli Manning to Mario Manningham and Steve Smith, this game was just downright awe full. I have a few observations that I must express. The first and foremost, the offensive play calling is just horrendous. This is really a big part of why the Giants have such a hard time scoring. The calls are just killing this team. They don't know when to go big, and when to tuck it under their arm and drive it up the gut. There is no feel for a rhythm here, and this is the most important part of any offense. Rhythm. The play calling is so limited, unimaginative, boring, and predictable. First things first. Fire Gilbride immediately. This guy is completely clueless and needs to go. Do not even wait until the end of this dreadful season. Fire him right now. Anyone who is running the ball with 5 minutes on the clock down by two touchdowns either wants his team to lose, or is too stupid to realize how fucking stupid he is. Second, there is something seriously wrong with the O line this year. Whether the play calling is bad or not, this team should be able to move the ball much better then they have on the ground and in the air. They have some really talented players that never get used to their full potential because the play calling, and the offensive line are doing everything in their power to fuck it up. This line has been an outright abomination at run and pass blocking. Only giving Jacobs a hole a mouse couldn't fit through on their best days. Don't get me wrong Jacobs has been an outright disappointment this year, but much of that is due to a pathetic bunch of O linemen that can't get out of their own way. Furthermore, their lack of pass blocking has caused Eli to be running all over the place like a madman barefoot on hot coal. This line is just so frustrating to watch, and something big has to be done. Clean house. Show these fat bastards that if they continue to perform like this, they will be working at Burger King in no time. Shake em up, and wake em up. I can witness this pathetic performance no longer, something must be done now.
Now that the despicable offensive problems are out of the way. Let's move on to the defense. I have to honest here, this secondary fucking BLOWS. I'm so tired of watching corner backs standing around like clueless fucking morons every game. Huge coverages are blown all the time and they just stand there like a bunch of fucking momos. What the fuck are they doing here? It really looks like the secondary just gives up late in the game every game. Maybe the talent just isn't there and by being outplayed so badly it makes it look like they aren't trying. I don't know, I can only tell you what I see. I'm not in their heads or in the locker room. What I do know is, they are up there with the worst in the league right now and are absolutely the worst in the red zone. I really think the grace period after winning the super bowl is absolutely over. The defensive line is not much better either.
No one has an excuse anymore. It is now time to demand better a performance or begin kicking some of these worthless pieces of shit out the door and begin restructuring pronto. This is not the Giants anyone could watch and root for. This is a disgrace on wheels. Someone better send out a wake up call or this slowly sinking ship will quickly become a graveyard and home for the fish.

Football Sunday Score: Commercials 27 Football 3

Football Sunday. A day most sports fans cherish, and look forward to. It is such a special day to fans we even try to work our busy schedules around it. Shitloads of friends, food, beer, weed, and if you get really fucking lucky your friend stops by with 4 percasets with your name on them. What a day it is. Your favorite team on the tube, a beer in one hand and a broad on the other. You just can't beat it. Well, actually there is a big problem here that has grown to make me want to throw a coffee table at my wall. Furthermore between stuffing my face and sucking back brews I have gotten a little peak through the fog and I think there is quite a conspiracy going on here. That's right and you know what? I think somehow our stupid asses have been slowly brainwashed. Over the years, very slowly, the corporate world has slowly cranked up the heat on the marketing oven. It has tip toed up behind us and today finally kicked me right in the nuts. Think about it, back when you were young it was so pure and innocent. You look up at your television and you see the game, the score on the screen, and the two team names. Simple, straightforward and all we needed to be happy. It has gotten to the point where if Eli Manning had a Hyundai logo on his genitals I wouldn't be surprised. I'm so accustomed to being bent over and fucked in the ass by commercials all day, it barely fazes me. There is something really wrong about this. I am positive that over the years commercials get longer and longer, and here is the real kick in the groin, louder and LOUDER. Tell you haven't experienced scenario this too. You're sitting on the couch watching TV at like 10 at night. You know got work in the morning, and your girlfriend/boyfriend is snoring next to you. All you want is to watch a little of the tube and conk out to recharge for another work day. So you turn the TV up a little so you can hear the dialogue better and it's just right. Loud enough where you can clearly hear the people talking, but not too loud so not to wake your better half and get into a fight and wind up throwing your remote through your LCD. Everything seems to be going just dandy and then a fucking Budwieser commercial comes on and blasts the covers off of your bed and knocks you into a wall head first with sound waves. When did all these shitty commercials become so ridiculously loud? What the fuck are they trying to do market beer to Himalayan mountain climbers from my apartment in West Orange, New Jersey? Jesus fucking Christ, there has to be a law against this somewhere. Oh wait that would never happen because corporations make all the decisions for us and our Government is a bunch of sock smelling spineless douche bags with dollar bills in their eyes 24 hours a day. I realize commercials are an integral part of the money making machine of visual and audio entertainment. But do they really have to skull fuck us with nauseating commercials every fifteen god damn minutes to accomplish their goal? I guess they do. So the Giants won today and the Jets lost as usual (god they suck). Football Sunday has come to a close but I still have commercials zipping around my head like a god damn game of laser tag (I'm 30 and I may be showing it with a laser tag reference). After opening my eyes to this issue I feel like I was visually raped all day by Corporate scum and I need a cold shower. Thus I have a sad score of my own: Commercials 27, Football 3.

Ebay: Buying, selling, and punching a hole through your wall.

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The Ticket Nazi

originally written on 3/31/06

The last check is filled out. With utter disgust running through my veins, I slap the parking ticket and 35 dollars into an envelope and seal it up. At this moment in time I really want to throw up on my self. This is the fourth ticket this month, all parking. I could start my own god damn business by now with all the fucking money Nassau county has relentlessly sucked out of my wallet through the years. As I drive to the post office to drop off the payments of these tickets, I have half a mind to bang a right turn down to the courthouse and randomly kick someone in the throat. This is complete and utter bullshit. Someone please tell me how is it possible that with all the money we cough up to this town, village, state, country and whoever the fuck else, I can’t even park in front of MY OWN HOUSE without getting ass fucked by the town for 35 bucks. Give me a god damn break.

The real kick in the ball bag here is the puttz giving out the tickets in my town has a name for himself. I have a few names for him as well, but they aren’t nearly as nice. I must warn you, this is so idiotic and retarded I suspect you are not going to believe what I am about to say. He calls himself “The Ticket Nazi.” Forget the fact that he is pathetic enough to make up a nickname for himself. That is bad enough, but on top of that he actually calls himself a nazi. Oh god. No you can’t make this shit up. I’m about to track this punk down and leg drop his candy ass after swiftly kicking him right in the bunt. “But only girls have bunts right?!” most of you just said to yourself. Well there you go; you just answered your own question. So the self proclaimed ticket Nazi is running rapid around the town ticketing everyone and everything in site like a fucking lunatic, the real pathetic part is the fact that the majority of violations are absolutely asinine. No…. you couldn’t make this up if you tried. For instance in front of my house there is a no parking from 3-5 in the morning (this violation makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? WHAT THE FUCK IS ANYONE DOING FROM 3-5 IN THE MORNING THAT MAKES THIS TICKET OR SIGN AT ALL RELEVANT!!!??? The answer is nothing. The street sweepers and garbage men are all still snoring and beer farting on their wives unshaven legs at this point), and if I forget one night because I’m drunk off my ass passed out on my couch with some girls lipstick tattooed on my genitals, this guy is such an out of control pole smoker that garunteed he will have a ticket on my car by 3:01. What a fucking ass clown this guy is. If I ever catch him on the street out of uniform I will not hesitate to fire him head first into a fucking brick wall and violate those tickets up his candy ass. Get a life dude please, if not you’re going to get hurt.

You know the ticketing system in general is a major grade a fuck up if you ask me. Just look at the new sign I have up in front of my house right next to the other 15 titled “2 hour parking Monday through Friday bla say fucking bla.” This sign is obviously put up because I happen to live a few blocks from the train station and dick heads park their ugly cars in front of other people’s houses causing the home owners to complain to the town. By the way it’s mostly old ladies complaining because everyone else is at fucking work and doesn’t have the time to bitch and moan to the town about some lime green Monty Carlo from 1982 ruining the view of their bird fountains. Well because of these complaints the town then turned around a put this sign up to keep this from continuing, but what these fucking ignoramuses didn’t realize was this would dick all the home owners over not allowing anyone to park in front of their own dam houses. You see if the town had anyone of semi intelligence working for them, what they would do is simply give out stickers with your home address on them. You put the sticker on your window and the police can see if you are parked in front of your own home or not. If you and your ugly ass car don’t belong their then sure enforce the 2 hour parking, BUT If you do belong and life their and so forth, I think I speak for everyone when I say we should be left the fuck alone! Fuck off.

Match dot com or money all gone?

originally written on 8/14/06

About a year ago a friend recommended I try this singles website. Being that I was fresh out of a three year roller coaster of a fucked up relationship, I said what the hell.

A mere 30 bucks to get my feet wet again and quickly patch a battered ego? Not a bad deal. Besides I am saving myself for Rachel McAdams anyway, and until she drops the restraining order and realizes I am the only one for her, I have some time to kill. So I filled out the stupid little profile attempting to be somewhat interesting but yet exiting (career: violinist for cannibal corpse), posted a few pics, punched in my credit card number and away I went. My headline was originally “who wants a good donkey punch?” But friends tipped me off that I was coming on a little strong. So I toned it down a little bit. After eating a large quantity of mushrooms one night I came up with the much more subtle “bi- women welcome, as long as I can participate.” I know, what can I say I’m one of the last true romantics left today. As you can imagine, the responses starting piling up immediately, and why wouldn’t they? I’m freakin’ amazing. After a week of talking to a few great candidates (women desperate for the sex and verbal abuse), I finally lined up my first encounter.

Wow, let me tell you. In the year long experiment I have conducted on this thing, I have met some real grade A fucking loons. Everyone is a little crazy so this harsh accusation really puts in perspective the level of maniac we are dealing with here. They were Very VERY crazy indeed. I must admit sometimes I enjoyed it, but at the same time it does take a lot of energy to consistently beat a girl senseless with a raw steak while chasing her in an Easter bunny suit. Especially when you’re both on large quantities on MDMA and she’s naked doing figure eights on a tricycle. I mean it gets crazy hot in that god damn suit. Thank god I only wore the top half of it with my snake skinned cowboy boots really pulling it all together….Yea I know, thinking back I guess they really did have good reason to ban us from Eisenhower park. But hey at least the kids on the school trip seemed to enjoy it so I have no regrets. Anyway it took me a while to finally realize why these nut jobs are on this site in the first place. Because no one in real life could deal with their shit so they took their insanity to this little nutty slice of cyber space. Kind of like me. I’m not even talking sexually for the most part I had no problem with that. I mean their crazy and annoying ridiculous attitudes. I mean why is it such a big deal to bring me dinner every night in a Nazi uniform with roller-blades on? I don’t ask for much for Christ sake, what a bunch of cry babies. These women were really hard to deal with. Although I must admit there are a select few on there that are actually fun to hang out with and surprisingly good looking. Unfortunately there are only about 5 of them in there from New York. It’s kind of like hitting the lottery for one of those chicks to stumble upon your profile and actually write back. Although it has happened to me because I’m so god damn good looking (and I tell them I’m a CIA agent), but it’s rare. The problem with these hot buckets of love is they consistently have 19 guys lined up for them always, and you need to be a fucking magician to work your way in there. Waaaaay too much work for me. So unless you want to pull your hair out searching for a supermodel, you must settle for somewhat of a less caliber. Sure I know any woman reading this could turn around and say “You are complaining about the selection of women on here?!? Well guess what buddy take a look at yourself, all guys look for on here is to get laid!” You may very well be right and point taken, but at the same time it’s like comparing apples and oranges. You see most woman can get just about anyone or anything she wants because she has this very powerful thing betwixt her legs. I’ll bet you’ve heard of it or felt the power of it, because for god’s sake this is no new phenomenon. If you have this power, unless you let yourself become a complete slob and the stock of your meat locker drops faster than Enron, you shouldn’t have any trouble meeting a guy just about anywhere and at the time of your choosing. If you offered sex, not many straight guys out there would even think twice before settling the tab and getting your ass home with the quickness of Jose Reyes in a suicide squeeze. What the fuck does any normal chick need match.com for? Any decent chick walks out of her house and has 50 guys pummeling each other in a royal rumble with grenade launchers for their shot at the gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s like Halo 3 for these bitches for Christ sake. You see girls attacking for dudes like that? Except for an elite few guys that are just 6 foot plus vagina magnets, (women can start to play dirty over this species), let’s face it the rest of us are in a violent world war 3 of sausage fests trying to fight over the left over table scraps. Especially on Long Island where anywhere you go there are 8 obnoxious and desperately sex crazed guys to every chick. Even mediocre chicks are put on such a high pedestal around here it fucking amazes me. Some are so bitchy I think that they really believe that gold bricks fall out of there pussies every morning or something. And what makes it worse is when you finally get close to scoring with one these broads, 9 times out of 10 you know the fat ugly friend is going to step in and ruin it. Let’s face it guys unless you have money, or you are insanely good looking, in this day in age you are pretty much proper fucked. Because while you’re in your buddies shitty apartment with a bunch of dudes having that Madden 2006 tournament on Friday night, some investment banker is high as a kite driving 90 miles an hour while getting road head from a Victoria secret model in his Mercedes SL500. Yea I know, it sucks but that’s life.

I have probably met upwards of about 20 women since I began this bizarre and interesting internet journey. To my surprise a few were really cool, but of course I always figured out ways to fuck a good thing up. It never failed. But for good reason (I told you about my girl Rachel)! All in all be prepared to do a little damage to your wallet, which is no different when you’re meeting chicks anywhere else, but still you need to be smart about it. For instance around the 10^th girl I met I promised myself I wouldn’t do dinner on the first date anymore because it was really taking a toll on my funds. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that this wasn’t necessary but it did. I mean take her out to eat on the first date?!…For what?!? So you could never see her again? What a moron. Most of them are so wasted by the time dinner is served, they have absolutely no idea what the fuck was being shoveling in their mouths anyway. More than once it was my penis covered in barbeque sauce topped off with an alfalfa sprout garnish (didn’t always get the response I had hoped for).

So my good friends, after hundreds of dollars, a restraining order, and 4 illegitimate children my tour of duty with dating sites is finally over. Thank god I made it out alive. On a serious note for once in my life, sure I would love to find a nice broad to spend some time with but the internet definitely isn’t the place to do it. And if learned anything after this experience it’s that women for the most part don’t like it when you pull your tool out in a 5 star restaurant and to her surprise have it dressed up in a little tuxedo with a top hat like the alien in Spaceballs. I thought it was a nice touch for the first date but go figure, shows how much I know. Hey good luck to all the single guys out there, I most definitely feel your pain. It’s a tough business to be in, I now know that first hand. Speaking of hands, that’s another friend you will learn to love while you are on your quest. Just be careful, don’t make the same mistakes I did (it’s not meant to fit in a shampoo bottle). More importantly, if they want dinner on the first date, take their fat asses through the McDonald’s drive through. If they don’t like it, kick them out of your moving car and watch them tumble through traffic. Save that money for good use like gambling, good drugs, and strippers. That is all for now my young soldiers. Onward to victory.